It's not you, its me…
I keep seeing you get hurt over and over again, because of the way I am and the things I say. And I hate it. I hate seeing you upset or angry, I hate making you feel like this. And I hate myself for doing it.
I'm a very protective person, I get extremely jealous when another male talks to you, let alone another male being in your room. I get jealous at everything that gets too close to you. I don't want to feel like this, I want to always be happy and I want you to be happy always too. I love your smile, I love the way you are, I love everything there is about you. And I want to always be with you, for as long as I can, even on days I'm not meant to see you because of work and college…
I cant deny how much you mean to me, and how happy you make me when we're together. No words can ever describe how much I love you. You're the one for me, you always have been, noone else even compares. I just wish we met sooner, but then I don't know if things would turn out like the way they have, I guess this way was the best. You're the one I want to marry, the one I want to settle down with, the one I want to start a family with, the one I want to be by my side and watch our family grow up. I don't care if anyone else is reading this because I am so proud of you. And I want to let the entire world know that you're mine and I'm yours.
I know I can be protective, and most of the time I'm too protective. I know you value your freedom and heck I think I'm even envious it. But I keep messing it up, I keep restricting you. I try not to, but you and I both know I'm doing it. I don't want to, but I also can't help it… I've always been a protector, no matter what I would protect all my friends, especially you. But most of the time, its me doing the harm to you, its me trying to protect you from me. I'm not a loose cannon, but I'm still dangerous to you.
I've hurt you in many ways in the past, I try not to but I always end up doing it. Last night, I said something completely stupid without thinking, even this morning I said something totally stupid. You're in no way controlling me, but the other way its me in a sense mothering you. You don't need it, but I guess its my way of caring too. I don't know why I get edgy when you don't sleep properly…I just wish I could let it all go. But doing so I know I'll change, I don't want to because you already love me for who I am, I'm afraid any change at all would make me…not me. My negatives I want to give the flick, I don't need them….but if I do, I might not be the same. I think the only way out of this is for me to lock myself in myself. To not say as much, would protect you from the unwanted things I say….
You've almost slipped through my fingers once, and that almost destroyed me and you. That was the most pain I've ever inflicted on you and myself. I'm not going to let that happen again but I fear with all the little things I do, it'll add up. And one day you might not want me there anymore. I get so afraid I cry myself to sleep at nights…. I can't live my life without you. I won't be able to handle anything without you. I'll lose the other half of me. And become an empty shell. I've felt like that night I came over to you. You have helped me in so many ways I cannot even say, you've rebuilt me back to who I was. You nurtured me with all your love, you looked after me when I was down, you care so much for me. I've never felt this much devotion you give to me, and yet sometimes it feels like I take it for granted with the way I act.
Its all going to be over now, I'm going to be the one that looks after you, the one you can talk to with all your heart, the one that will protect you. Because I love you more than anything else in this world. You matter the most to me, and you deserve all the love and happiness I can give you.
I love you Tori,
I always will love you,
Yours forever until the end of time,
Mikey
Devious Journal Entry
